Preheat and prep the pan: Set your oven to 375°F (190°C). Lightly grease a 9x13-inch baking dish with cooking spray or avocado oil.
Crisp the bacon: In a large skillet over medium heat, cook the chopped bacon until crisp.
Remove with a slotted spoon and set aside. Leave about 1 to 2 tablespoons of bacon fat in the pan.
Sauté aromatics: Add the diced onion (if using) and fresh jalapeños to the skillet. Cook 3–4 minutes until softened.
Stir in minced garlic and cook 30 seconds until fragrant.
Brown the beef: Add ground beef to the skillet. Season with salt, pepper, smoked paprika, onion powder, and cumin. Cook, breaking it up, until no longer pink.
Stir in tomato paste, ketchup, mustard, and Worcestershire. Cook 1–2 minutes to coat.
Drain if needed: If there’s excess grease, tilt the pan and spoon off a bit. You want the mixture juicy, not soupy.
Make the creamy binder: In a bowl, whisk softened cream cheese, heavy cream, and eggs until smooth.
A few small lumps are fine. Stir in 1 cup of shredded cheddar and the Monterey Jack.
Assemble the bake: Spread the beef mixture evenly in the prepared baking dish. Sprinkle on half the cooked bacon.
Pour the cream cheese mixture over the beef and gently spread to the edges.
Top with cheese: Scatter the remaining 1 cup cheddar on top. Add the rest of the bacon and the pickled jalapeños if using.
Bake: Place in the oven and bake 18–22 minutes, until the edges are bubbling and the top is golden in spots.
Rest and garnish: Let it rest 8–10 minutes to set. Sprinkle with sliced green onions.
Slice into squares and serve.